Pyjama Drama

Being an avid traveler for many years now, I’ve seen new innovations and fads come and go.

I’m lucky to (mostly) be a pointy end traveler and, without any doubt, that is where the most entertainment lies, without ever turning on the actual entertainment system. 

You see, the pointy end brings plenty of unjustified snobbery. It’s not called the “pointy” end with the sole meaning of that being positioned up the front of the plane. Most traveler’s have got to the pointy end through points upgrades. The privilege tends to bring a far more unfriendly nature between passengers than riding down back. 

One of the great quips/delights of Business and First Class passengers is the provision of pyjamas on the major carriers. It would seem the bulk of premium passengers are fans of having pyjamas provided for their lie flat sleep experience. I, for one, (am I the only one?) find the whole idea a bit of a joke. 

These top to toe cotton numbers (called “Sleep Suits” on one of the major airlines) are nothing to write home about. They are simple cotton and made to fit very loosely. My point is that no one looks good in these. Pyjamas were designed for the individual and never designed to be attractive and worn out and about in public. The only other person who should ever see you in your pyjamas is your significant other, and only after years together finishing each other’s sentences. 

I consider the cabin of a plane to be a public place too. It is not, and never will be, somebody’s bedroom. Unfortunately, Business Class traveler’s on airlines that offer pyjamas do seem to treat the cabin as their bedroom. 

I must steer my article now towards Australia’s national carrier, Qantas, as the airline is the worst offender in the pyjama game. We will also keep the focus on Business Class. Let’s start with the cabins. Qantas is one of the last airlines in the world still flying old 747’s, the so-called “Queen of The Skies”. Those of us subjected to sometimes flying Qantas to Asia and some routes in the US and also to Tokyo are regularly stuck with these old bomby, rattly, noisy planes, and if your “lucky” enough to be up in Business, you face a grey colour palate, grey seats and grey staff. 

Pride of place upon entering, particularly on the all-Business 747 upper deck, is a pile of their pjs. And they too are grey. There is a big blue jumping kangaroo on the front and a huge Qantas logo on the back. Sexy. 

Staff seem to enjoy dispensing these numbers, and almost all passengers seem genuinely thrilled to receive them. I have often overheard the comment “they make great gifts”. No one would dare give these to me, I know that. Friendship over. 

You can actually buy these horrors on the Qantas online store. Qantas seems to consider their pj’s as one of the best benefits of travelling in Business. I could now go into Qantas’ reduced lack and quality of offerings in all other departments, but that’s a story for another time. 

First question from staff (about as animated as they will be for the whole flight) is what size would you like? Medium Large, Extra Large or Extra Extra Large? I find the question a little insulting. Let me tell you, it makes no difference. You are not going to look good in these, no matter the size. 

Now here is the clincher. I’ve been on many DAYTIME flights where several passengers rush to get into their pj’s as soon as they board. I’ve even sensed a mild panic to do so. Quite often by the time the plane takes off, many are dangling loosely in their lush pj’s. On a night flight, pretty much everyone, except me, have queued up, wriggled out of their clothes in the cupboard sized bathroom, and exited to face me in the dreaded pj’s. 

I cannot help but make comparisons to prisoners-of-war, as that is what the parade of grey, creased, baggy passengers look like. And you can forget playing the “Who would I sleep with” mind game while waiting for take-off. Anyone with any semblance of attractiveness has long left the building. 

I’ve seen some passengers come out of the minuscule bathroom still brushing their teeth. 

Eventually, the lights dim, the grey-clad passengers drop off to sleep and you don’t have to look at the sea of old grey. In the back of your mind though, you know that come wake up time, you are going to have to view the reverse of the horror you watched upon entering. 

The worst part about all of this, for me personally, is that I have no choice but to look at all these disheveled people, looking ten times worse after waking up in those baggy, ill-fitting pyjamas than they would at home. Or…do they? 

Then the queue starts – you can sense the anxiety… should I change out of these before breakfast service, or after? When can I get in there – here goes – DOH! Someone beat me to it…. (waits 20 mins) … 

Honestly, the panic in some passengers’ eyes. Their craning necks rising over the back of the seat in front, staring at the red illuminated man/woman occupied light, please…. turn green…. please…. any minute now…. I’m ready to run! 

Ahh…The joy of NOT wearing the pyjamas. I still take pride in dressing well for premium class flights. Sure, you need to be comfortable, but how hard is it to be smart casual for the duration of the flight? Just wear uncreaseable smart clothes and forgo the panic! 

By choosing to be one of the few not to wear pj’s, I am faced with my own dilemma. I have no choice but to be another who has to queue, desperate to do a wee, whist the others change OUT of their pj’s, squeeze into their original clothing, brush their teeth, and do all morning bathroom activity. I have never had to queue for the toilet to the extent that I do on Qantas flights, and it’s all to do with the pyjamas. I hate you. 

I have made it a lifelong choice to sleep nude in almost every circumstance. Perhaps I should deploy this strategy on planes too. Just lift the blanket and parade half-mast into the loo as I would do at home. Now THERE’S a thought! Would I still have to queue? 

A sight I won’t forget was a man who, on a recent Singapore Airlines flight, decided to get into his Qantas pyjamas that he brought with him, as soon as he boarded. Naturally, the excellent staff on board did not make any comment or fuss. I couldn’t believe he did it, it just seemed so…incorrect. 

I find it laughable that many Australians consider pyjamas a premium offering and a God given right of flying up front. I know of passengers who discount flying with other carriers solely on the fact that they don’t supply pyjamas. (Thank you, Singapore Airlines, – I have always loved you!) 

When we talk about first world problems, could this be the very pinnacle of that definition?